How to get 'Hello' horribly wrong

My girlfriend grew up in Belgium and the summer after we got together she invited me to Brussels. On the day I arrived we went to meet her friend Aina for lunch. Aina worked at a University and we arranged to meet on campus. Everyone was out enjoying the good weather, so we bought sandwiches and sat in a circle on the grass. Aina is a popular girl, and pretty soon a guy she knew came over to say hello. This might not sound like much of a problem, but I'm Irish and how we say hello differs greatly to how they do it on the Continent. In Ireland, you approach a group of people, give one universal salutation and join the conversation. Not in Belgium.The guy kissed Aina on the cheek and struck up a conversation. He began to slowly make his way around the circle kissing hello as he went. Instantly alarm bells went off in my head. A memory surfaced that told me guys in Belgium kiss each other hello. Straight away I knew I was in trouble. Two questions sprang to mind. 1) Was this guy going to kiss me hello? 2) What was the proper way to do it? I was overcome by a sickening feeling of being massively under-prepared. What was the protocol? I felt nauseous. As I sat there thinking of what to do, the guy was getting closer. Finally he came to me. For a moment he just stood there, and I thought he might just say hello and sit down. No such luck. As I belatedly proffered a hand, he leant down and put his cheek in my face. My world froze. I can safely say I had no idea what to do. I had gone twenty something years without learning the technique for kissing another guy hello. It was like someone had presented me with an engine and said 'Fix that'. I really didn't have a clue where to start. Then for some reason my mind stepped back, and simple muscle memory took over. The only people I'd kissed hello to had been my granny and a handful of aunts. So I did the thing that came naturally, I planted one smack bang on his cheek. Not just a peck, but a full-bodied smooch. There may have even been a 'MWAH' sound as well, but I can't really remember.Instantly, the world around me came to a stop. All conversations halted,and for a moment there was nothing but silence. And then there was laughing. Oh how they laughed. Between guffaws Aina explained to the guy that I was Irish and that guys didn't kiss each other hello where I was from. I'm not entirely sure if he heard her, because at that point he just looked shell-shocked. I'm pretty sure he just fell back on his backside, and nodded some vague acknowledgment. I of course wanted the ground to swallow me whole.

by Sam Mulligan